Why do I write here? I write for me and my kids. I have been challenged to write for my children to know of my wishes, thoughts, dreams for them. And so I write. I try to keep a record here of the hand of God in my life and that of my family. During times of missionary service in my family I notice a sever change in the regularity of writing here because I write to my missionaries! I am so grateful to have two from my family serving in the mission field today. They need our prayers and support. Today was P-Day. I love to hear from them, they are both dealing with difficult situations and need prayers. Miracles will happen, they are in the service of God. I know they will pull through tough times, but it is not easy. Missionary service is not a vacation. It is difficult. Companions are difficult. Obedience to mission rules is difficult. Visas and transfers provide difficult challenges I can not fully comprehend but appreciate are not easy! I hope they know of my prayers and faith in their behalf. I know they desire 110% obedience and they are each rooted firmly in the Gospel. They are strong and have high endurance levels! I am grateful for you L and C! Sending you hugs and prayers!!!
On the home front, I have not written here much of the struggle happening over the course of the last year with my extended family. We have had a rocky, growing year. I was recently challenged by my dear Aunt S to fast about answers to these problems. I appreciate positive suggestions, and so, I have fasted and prayed much but again recently. I was prompted to learn more about a triangle that was mentioned briefly in a phone call with a therapist last December. He mentioned that it was a relationship triangle that he said is very common in families that he sees rampant in my family. He met via telephone with B and I a couple times and with my parents. I decided I would see what I could learn. So I turned to the internet and put in simply relationship triangle. There I found a wealth of information on something called the Karpman Drama Triangle. Wow! I didn't even spend an hour on this, but found a paper and markers to start noting the details so I could visualize what it was I was reading about. This is the result of my reading today.... the words written here are words from a few articles I will list on this relationship triangle. I was amazed at how much of this fits my family exactly! Wow.
We were told in that session to establish some boundaries and a set response when called to engage in further mud slinging that would be like a broken record to those unwilling to change. I see with new eyes after my short studies today. The AA on the far side represent Adults - breaking out of the triangle. Standing supporting each other, ready with their stable middle to lift and encourage those with them to higher ground, lifting, enabling, growing through responsibility, agency and support of a stable support team. That is totally opposite the DRAMA triangle of manipulation, selfishness and pride!
I have also appreciated the book by Scott Peck, "The Road Less Traveled" and my studies into Hesed as a result of a new responsibility to teach the Old Testament in my life which has proven to be a great blessing. I am so grateful to study of the Action Attitude of Love of Hesed of our Heavenly Parents for us. That is not what I experienced in my growing up family. I have questioned what is Love because it is not abuse and not seeking power over another. I am so grateful to find answers! I am grateful to see that I can break free from this triangle and find a better path! I am grateful to have others admit that it is not easy and that those in the triangle will struggle to keep the status quo and the power that feeds their ego. That is indeed what I have experienced intensely for the last year as the pressure from the evils of this vicious triangle have permeated the family of my youth. I will not pass these traditions on to my children! I will break this cycle today!
A few weeks ago we participated as a family in the Salt to Saint race. It is a 422 mile bike relay from Salt Lake to St. George. I was given the second leg to ride over the Traverse mountain. I knew that it was a steep, long hill, but it wasn't until I peddled slowly up and around, to see a long circle spiraling upward to a much higher hill that I realized the depth of what I was faced with. As I peddled, I realized that the valley I was climbing out of could represent the valley of my youth. I found myself singing in my mind the song The Bear went over the mountain, the bear went over the mountain... the bear went over the mountain to see what he could see. I thought about my goals for the future, and what I wanted to see on the other side of my mountain of struggle I have been climbing. I don't want to see more of the same! I don't want to say it is just the other side of the mountain! I want to see and grow and learn so these growth pains are useful spiritually for me and my posterity and we don't have to continue this hurtful path. I didn't know much of this triangle then! I see!
The other message that I was given as I fasted came via a great Relief Society lesson on gratitude. Indeed I am grateful to learn these lessons. Early on in this current struggle I was guided to this video by Elder Holland.
On the home front, I have not written here much of the struggle happening over the course of the last year with my extended family. We have had a rocky, growing year. I was recently challenged by my dear Aunt S to fast about answers to these problems. I appreciate positive suggestions, and so, I have fasted and prayed much but again recently. I was prompted to learn more about a triangle that was mentioned briefly in a phone call with a therapist last December. He mentioned that it was a relationship triangle that he said is very common in families that he sees rampant in my family. He met via telephone with B and I a couple times and with my parents. I decided I would see what I could learn. So I turned to the internet and put in simply relationship triangle. There I found a wealth of information on something called the Karpman Drama Triangle. Wow! I didn't even spend an hour on this, but found a paper and markers to start noting the details so I could visualize what it was I was reading about. This is the result of my reading today.... the words written here are words from a few articles I will list on this relationship triangle. I was amazed at how much of this fits my family exactly! Wow.
I have also appreciated the book by Scott Peck, "The Road Less Traveled" and my studies into Hesed as a result of a new responsibility to teach the Old Testament in my life which has proven to be a great blessing. I am so grateful to study of the Action Attitude of Love of Hesed of our Heavenly Parents for us. That is not what I experienced in my growing up family. I have questioned what is Love because it is not abuse and not seeking power over another. I am so grateful to find answers! I am grateful to see that I can break free from this triangle and find a better path! I am grateful to have others admit that it is not easy and that those in the triangle will struggle to keep the status quo and the power that feeds their ego. That is indeed what I have experienced intensely for the last year as the pressure from the evils of this vicious triangle have permeated the family of my youth. I will not pass these traditions on to my children! I will break this cycle today!
A few weeks ago we participated as a family in the Salt to Saint race. It is a 422 mile bike relay from Salt Lake to St. George. I was given the second leg to ride over the Traverse mountain. I knew that it was a steep, long hill, but it wasn't until I peddled slowly up and around, to see a long circle spiraling upward to a much higher hill that I realized the depth of what I was faced with. As I peddled, I realized that the valley I was climbing out of could represent the valley of my youth. I found myself singing in my mind the song The Bear went over the mountain, the bear went over the mountain... the bear went over the mountain to see what he could see. I thought about my goals for the future, and what I wanted to see on the other side of my mountain of struggle I have been climbing. I don't want to see more of the same! I don't want to say it is just the other side of the mountain! I want to see and grow and learn so these growth pains are useful spiritually for me and my posterity and we don't have to continue this hurtful path. I didn't know much of this triangle then! I see!
The other message that I was given as I fasted came via a great Relief Society lesson on gratitude. Indeed I am grateful to learn these lessons. Early on in this current struggle I was guided to this video by Elder Holland.
Indeed I have been down a road that is not a road I want to travel ever again. There is a reason that I have traveled this road, and I will not lead my family down this road! I am grateful for opportunities to grow and change.
With all of this I see that as we were directed in December, we need to establish healthy boundaries. We need to stand strong for the right and have confidence to not be pulled into unhealthy mess again!
I am grateful to write here and hope that in sharing here someday my children will see and understand the struggle and the learning that we are experiencing.
Here are a few of the links I appreciated in my studies today:
There are many! These are just the few I appreciated learning from today!
In seeking to understand boundaries as mentioned in so many of these articles in the relationship circles, what is this thing they talk about? I know what it means to set a goal. I have long said I wish I could have both sides of this mess draw a picture of what they want the relationship to look like. That would be enlightening to me, but alas, communication is not allowed at this point and has not been for the past 12 months.
We have drawn boundaries. B and I have drawn some together, and I have drawn some. They are unwilling to verbally communicate at all so no resolution can come. Written communications from them are hurtful and attacking. I have drawn boundaries. The way I have been treated is not an acceptable way to continue into the future. I came here to earth to learn and grow. That doesn't mean that I will stay the same as I have in the past, nor will I "go back" to what it has been in the past. No, we have learned important lessons and we want to follow the scriptures and Prophets who teach us to "Remember." They write that we must forgive. Yes, we can forgive! That also means that we also insist on being treated better in the future!
I am learning to be more assertive. I will stand up for my family. The edge that pushed this over the top was when my children were attacked. I realize that I have taken their unkindness for years, but if they want to pass judgement and evil accusations against my children, I will not sit idly by and allow it to happen! Further those who choose to harbor those who attack are unsafe. We are Fortifying our Family and we are coming to recognize the manipulations and evil and see that it comes in the form of silent treatment, mean letters demanding that we "return." Demands of respecting their parenthood of me - as if that implies some right they have to keep me in the victim role.
I want to stop and focus on the positives of boundaries and what I have learned.
I appreciate this article on suggestions of setting healthy boundaries - especially the question "Are the relationships reciprocal?” Is there a healthy give and take?" This is so important! I have realized that so many of our family interactions have been one sided. There must be healthy give and take or the relationship is not healthy! Note to self... if they don't call and want to have a relationship then it's not a healthy one anyway! :) Remember.... Reciprocal!
I found this list of positive vs negative boundaries. It is written as if the boundaries are for a spouse, but I need to apply it to extended family.
| Healthy | Unhealthy |
|---|---|
| Feeling like your own person | Feeling incomplete without your |
| Feeling responsible for your own happiness | Relying on your |
| Togetherness and separateness are balanced | Too much or too little togetherness |
| Friendships exist outside of the relationship | Inability to establish and maintain friendships with others |
| Focuses on the best qualities of both people | Focuses on the worst qualities of the |
| Open, honest and assertive communication | Game-playing, unwillingness to listen, manipulation |
| Commitment to the partner | Jealousy, relationship addiction or lack of commitment |
| Respecting the differences in the partner | Blaming the |
| Accepting changes in the relationship | Feeling that the relationship should always be the same |
| Asking honestly for what is wanted | Feeling unable to express what is wanted |
| Accepting endings | Unable to let go |
Yes so many of these unhealthy qualities of our relationship boundaries have applied in my extended family for years and years. Breaking those habits is not easy, but it is possible. I am grateful to see with new eyes and to understand with new heart. I want to learn Heavenly Nurturing and to gather, include, lift and inspire my children and best friend B to be more than anything possible in the unhealthy triangle I have always known. I want to have reciprocal relationships! Is there a healthy give and take? Are we lifting, supporting, encouraging and caring about the others in our relationships or just trying to control?
I am setting new goals daily, learning, growing, changing and seeing more light. I am grateful to have just received a book titled "That Ye May Believe" by Elder Neal A. Maxwell. I am anxious to read and learn. It is a series of letters Elder Maxwell wrote for his family to teach and enlighten them as they travel the spiritual paths of our Savior. I am grateful for Greatness in my world and look forward to General Conference this weekend. Indeed, we must do as President Uchtdorf counseled last weekend in Women's Conference, Heavenly Father has not locked all of his blessings up in a cloud , refusing to give them to us unless we comply with some strict paternalistic requirements he has set up. No I know of those kind of strict parental requirements of my earthly parents, and I Know that My Heavenly Father is not that way! In fact: "His ways aren't like that at all!" President Uchtdorf said. "In reality, Heavenly Father is constantly raining blessings upon us. It is our fear, doubt and sin that like an umbrella, block these blessings from reaching us. His commandments are the loving instructions and divine help for us to close the umbrella so we can receive the shower of heavenly blessings." I know that He will guide and direct me and my family to break out of this triangle of disfunction and become so much more! I am grateful for his loving showers of joy, light and love on me and my family! Indeed Celestial relationships are something different and I am grateful to be tutored with light.