Thoughts from this blog:
“Sad mood has been found to facilitate problem solving and signals a need for changing the status quo. ... These studies imply that sad mood supports the generation of self-regulation strategies that lead to wise commitment to potential goals.”*
I didn't know that. In my notes, after the above quote, I wrote, "Huh! Who'd have thought?"
Just then a diary excerpt popped to mind. It was one that I had noted, but had decided not to use because it seemed a bit depressing for a light-hearted blog post. It was this one:
“My diary again. It’s sad to be going back to old habits I gave up since I got married. I used to write when I felt depressed – now I suppose it’s for the same reason.” (Sofia Tolstoy, Russian diarist and wife of novelist Leo Tolstoy, October 8, 1862, age 18)**
Possibly it's just me, and this may already be quite obvious, but learning something new about problem solving while sad and remembering the diary excerpt made something click for me.
Do you ever have the impulse to journal when you're upset or down? I certainly do. Perhaps, deep down (or right there on the surface), that impulse to journal represents more than the simple desire to vent or despair, but also the desire to solve a problem that we know needs solving. Perhaps these are the moments when one's journal becomes more than a record of events. Perhaps these are the moments when journaling offers a unique opportunity to think on paper, to put challenges into perspective, to clarify our aims, to determine the best manner in which to move in the direction of our goals. Perhaps these are the moments when we are reminded that journaling can be a powerful tool for transformative change.
It's definitely something I'll be thinking about in the journal entries to come."
* From New Developments in Goal Setting and Task Performance, edited by Edwin A. Locke and Gary P. Latham, p. 527-8
I have been assigned the journals for Stake YW camp this year. There are so many fun ideas out there, what a fun journey to learn about. I agree with this entry from another blog that I often find myself solving problems with my fingers as I seek inspiration and direction as I type the details of events and process them. I am grateful to have this blog private now so that I can write without the worry of who is snooping on my life. I am so blessed and I get to celebrate that beautiful life!
Today a miracle happened. An angel called me just because she has been thinking about me. Angela Johnson called and we got to visit for a bit. I am so grateful for her friendship. She asked about my relationship with my parents. Just yesterday I learned that the night before Jed went to park our Mader (58 GMC painted ugly yellow with Brad Harr & Associate Logo all over it) into the garage for the night and found a sticky note that read something like: "Brad, Are you treating your in-laws as Jesus would?" Really, who would leave such a note? Jed didn't want to tell us, but Brad could tell something was on his mind, and probed until he told him that he had found the note, and that he wrote something about "Brad never received this note, I am returning it to sender! Jed Harr" and then he took it to the door of their condo here in town and posted it back on their door. How rude. Who? Brad called me mid morning and told me what had happened, and asked who was in town. I didn't know. I called Katie and learned that Keri and Heidi and their spouses are on a cruise. Whitney is a teacher so she would have been in school and Jeremy and Heidi wouldn't leave something like that. Ironically it was just this week that I sent packages to all the cousins for Valentines Day. We didn't get them in the mail until Friday noon so they weren't delivered until after the holiday and President's day on Monday - they got them Tuesday. I got a thank you text from Whitney and Jeremy & Heidi thanking me for the package. She explained that Mom and Dad are tending Keri's boys so she doesn't think they are down, and she had seen Tye the day before, he wasn't this way. That almost makes it worse because who are they talking to that would be so bold as to leave such a note. Anyway, I have been bugged about it.
On Friday the 5th my parents were in town, and they found me as I was leaving home, and had roses for me. Mom flagged us down, and jumped out of her truck to hand them to me. She said something about wanting to bring me these flowers. Then she started talking to the kids, and said something about how fun it was to have Liesl home. She was looking in the back seat, and thought that Sara was Liesl! Wow! No! Liesl is not home, that is Sara. She was embarassed, and retreated to the back of the car, and went and stood beside Dad on the passenger side of the car. Dad reached out to touch each of the kids, and said he loved them, then we parted.
Those roses, caused a stress in my life, and Sunday night I was sharing my feelings with Brad when he got upset and said something about "well they did bring you roses." Yes they did, but. I should not have been riled up, but it hurt. It felt as if he was justifying all they have done and said to me with those roses. I was just sharing a scripture from the Book of Mormon that I had felt was just for me. I was reading to him, and he interrupted and said that. I was so hurt. I went silent, and we hardly spoke for a few days. Monday I got up early and went for a run. Brad heard me and came with me, but I couldn't run in silence hurting. I cried that I needed a healing run, and I turned another way, and found a few quiet places, and stopped to cry. It was a dark day!
About mid day that day I found this article from the Ensign open on my chair. It is from the last conference called Choose the Light by Elder Stanfill. It was just want I needed to help myself get out of the dark. It was a dark dark. I had terrible feelings of nothingness that morning on my run. Enough that they scared me. I am grateful for inspiration that helped me find the light.