For Brad's birthday this year we rented a condo at Solitude, and took everyone to go ride the Wasatch Crest, a ride Brad and I often did after work when we lived up north but we haven't done for years now! It was a super fun time together!
Cute Sophia loves flowers. She wants me to make a book with her and the flowers she finds everywhere! The flowers were abundant his weekend in the mountains! This was a hike we did the next day while Brad had a client he had to meet in Salt Lake. It was a super fum time together!
Jakob is growning up quick! He is 10 this year. He loves his bike, legos, and RC cars!Stephen is Mr. Tough - this tree was laying over the trail, and he loved posing as if he was lifting it for us to pass underneath! Stephen is 5, and we are so very grateful his femur is healing so he can walk this year! He broke his femur last July and spent a full 6 weeks in a body cast! Makes us even more grateful this year that he can hike so we can go! We often take him on hikes more than 4 miles in a day, and he does great! I am so blessed!
This year our theme is "Seek." We all helped choose that theme on the bus while we were in Jerusalem. The theme picked by the LDS church this year is "Ask" from James 1:5. We decided that our family theme was Seek. As we each Seek to live our lives in harmony with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and Seek Him, we find happiness! For Jed and Chandler this has been a year of Seeking their educational goals so they can get to Law School. I am so grateful for the opportunity we had to walk where our Savior walked and to learn of Him! I Seek His guidance and influence in my life!
This is at one of the high lakes up at the top of Brighton/Solitude. We kept going and going for one more, and one more, finaly we found ourselves at the ridge top, looking down into Little Cottonwood canyon.
We were at the condo at Solitude for a Sunday, so I gathered some craft supplies, and we made boards that would remind us of our theme "Seek." I wish I would have taken a photo of the final products! They were all so different and unique! I am grateful to have sun a fun team Seeking together to live our lives in harmony with the Gospel!
In this cute photo of the girls working on our boards, there is one extra - Liz. We brought her along for the fun of the weekend. She and Sam have been dating, but she is more of a sister and friend to the girls. She has been a great influence in our family and it was fun to have her along. Some of the team left Sunday afternoon and returned to St. George for work and school. She went with them, but we had a fun time for a couple of days! She recently said that she wants to by our #9 child - haha I have 5 sons and 4 daughters - I never add them up for people, but I just say that and then wait for them to do the math. I love to add her to our family, but she will have to be a little more than that number! When the older kids heard that, haha, they added their friends that we have adopted... Jared and Chris, Jon Brown, and so many others that she will have to step in line behind. Liz, we love to have you in the family! You are welcome no matter what number! I don't keep track of the number anyway! Just grateful and blessed to have smiles and love abundantly!
Solutide has a fun outdoor pool and hot tub! We enjoyed the time we had Monday while Brad had to go to court for a case in Salt Lake on Monday. On a heavier note, there are hard things happening all around me! Here is a record of some of the heaviness I have been carrying:
The events of late have been heavy on my heart. I don't know why I seem to be constantly underseige! Stop!
Two weeks ago after the end of Youth Conference, I asked to be released. That opened a pandoras box of attack. I have struggled in this presidency since it's inception. I struggle because constantly, there have been things that go against the teachings of the church. They discount, do not support, or deem necessary. Then they accuse me of having unrealistic expectations. We have to try to do good. When asked if I would please stay on, I asked if there would be any changes to the status
Impressions of this morning:
Power in the Priesthood - what does that mean?
Seek messengers from my Father - we have a test to tell if they are of Him or not.
Confidence is not pride - confidence of the Lord walking through the room and feeling His love. He didn't have to even say one word, His love was felt by just being present and walking through the room, supporting the teaching that was taking place.
I am picking up here again. Today is July 17th. Last night I had an interview with President Jensen. I feel so healed and happy finally! I didn't mean to be long, but the time slipped quickly by. I have wanted to have a time with my Dad to clear, to heal, and to be whole again. For more than 10 years I have longed for that, and last night I was given a blessing from Heaven! Thank you Heavenly Father!
As my Eccelastical leader, President Jensen was so kind and loving. He listened and stopped me when I went to places that weren't going to good places. He had been updated on the latest ugliness by Brad last week, and so he knew some of the hurt and pain and I didn't have to even say. His listening loving ear was kind and powerful! I can't even express. I am writing while my cute youngest ones are here at swimming lessons so I don't want to cry, but last night I took my own box of tissues and used nearly the entire box. I am so grateful to feel so much better today! I don't need to record all the yuck that I shared with him, but I do want to record his advice and the details of the beautiful blessing he gave me at the end.
His advice for the Paulsen problems is to remember "You can't reason with crazy." He said, don't forget it! Remind yourself with any interactions, but he advises that we don't try any more. I shared my impression that I should go to the cemetery instead of reaching out, and he confirmed that was his recommendation! He said he would not reach out again. He said if after a good time you feel you need to reach out, then brace yourself properly, and be careful! He said in the event of a change in the relationship, they will reach out to us! He said I shouldn't have to reach out any more! He warned that if/when we might choose to do so, to council with Brad and to be careful and cautious! I am so grateful. I confirmed specifically, "I have your permission as my Ecclesiastical leader that I don't have to keep going back there?" "Yes!!!" I am so grateful to hear that from someone in authority over me! Thank you Heavenly Father!
I am so grateful!
Last week while I was praying and pondering all the problems, and feeling extra broken as texts streamed in from Keri and Paulsen's. I was hurt to the core. I did go to the cemetery one day, and cried and cried. I decided I couldn't stay there any longer because it wasn't helping me get to a better place. I came home to find my visiting teachers at my house waiting. I had forgotten, and they had been there just a few minutes. I was so grateful for their loving kindness that morning. They told me to try to forget all the uglyness that I had been told. I appreciate their advice and loving concern, but I was just in a really bad place, and while they helped, I am so grateful for the blessing of the time with President Jensen and a Priesthood blessing. It was just what I needed! In the blessing, whilch I will write about in a minute, he said that My Heavenly Father was sending right then the hugs and loving kindness that I had been seeking. I wept! Holding my breathe so I don't cry here at swimming! :) oh life. I am so grateful!
President Jensen warned specifically about Keri. He said he felt strongly that she is in a place that is not good from the texts that Brad had shared with him. Little does he know. I didn't share anything, but just agreed. He counseled Brad and I to hold a family council and discuss the importance of individual revelation for each family. He said "It would improper for Chandler to receive revelation for the future of Jed's kids. It is just plain wrong!" Don't allow it to happen in our family. Don't pass this yuck on to the next generation.
Then we talked about my calling. I shared that because some of the same blaming and tactics that I have seen in the Paulsen family have been used against me in the young women's I am certain that I have put up my guard and it has hurt in my calling. I don't lashout, I just close down and try to protect myself. When I am told that I can't do anything because others can't do it, or dismissed because of some strange reason, I have been hurt. He counseled me to keep trying. Last week the morning before I went to the cemetery, I was feeling hurt, and having been told some 6 times that it was all my fault and I needed to forgive, I was studying my scriptures and noticed the book Miracle of Forgiveness right beside me. I opened the book, to find it on a page that talks about sins of ommission. I can't quote it right now, but will add that later. I decided that maybe I was bringing this yuck on myself because I was asking to be released. Humbly and broken, I emailed President Redmon and asked for her forgiveness. I want to "Seek" 1st the Kingdom of God! I want to be worthy of His love. How can I do that if I am shirking my responsibility? So I apologized and promised to try better. I will.
So President Jesnsen and I talked about the YW. He can't understand why I am being told to not do things. He asked if I wanted to be released or if I could do it? He told me not to put up with abuse or disrespect. He said I should stand up for myself. He said he would release me if I so wished. I promised him I would try. I told him of the hurt, and he apologized for her, and said that I should not take that from her or anyone. He said sometimes even our leaders are wrong, but that we need to keep doing our best. He explained that I should share with Brad. He taught that there are all types of presidencies, some that are like a very steep triangle some that are more like a straight line. everyone is different. He doesn't know Rena well enough to know how she is leading, but she is wrong in telling me that I can't go to mission prep. She is wrong in not supporting me in going to camps. I shared the beautiful experience last week at the 5th ward camp. That was Thursday evening after my visiting teachers ahd helped me in the morning. I went to pick up the canoes from Annie's camp on Cedar mountain, and took them to the 5th ward on Kolob mountain. When I left home I didn't think I was going to stay, in fact President Redmon had gone the night before (by a mistake) and so I thought I was just going to drop them off. While in Cedar, she texted and said she felt she would like to go with me. We met in LaVerkin after a misunderstanding about where to meet - anyway, we met, and I drove with her up to the camp. She said she wanted to leave by 8. The evening program had not even begun by then. I insisted that we were there and should stay. It ended up being a beautiful night - they were sharing their favorite hymn, singing one verse, and then sharing why that was their favorite. I think it was more focused on the Savior than the testimony meeting might have been. It was a beautiful night. At the end, she had to go to the bathroom, so she ran out, but I stayed and hugged the girls there, and two of them chased me to the car, because I had missed hugging them, and they wanted one. I am so grateful to get to share hugs. That leads right into the blessing that President Jensen gave me last night.
I felt bad taking his time. He has to have someone else there in the building. Dear Brother Todd Staheli is the Exec secretary and usually stays. I asked Brad to come back to the church so that Brother Staheli wouldn't have to stay later. He did. - His dear wife Kim had sent a much appreciated text during that week. I wept when I read it. I think it came in on Thursday while I was scared preparing to meet President Redmon. Kim is SUCH an angel! I hope I can be in tune with the needs of others like she is!
When President and I were finished visiting last night, he offered to give me a blessing, which I was so hoping for. I am so grateful for Priesthood power on this earth! I shared that Brad was down the hall and that I would love to have him come be a part of that. He joined us. President was so kind and loving. He tried on several occasions to compliment me, but I stopped him, and changed the conversation. I am grateful for the many talents that I have. When he was giving me a blessing I couldn't really change the conversation and stop the message that my Heavenly Father loves me appreciates the effort and action that I give to him. Earlier in the conversations, we had talked about having faith and that faith is an action word. He shared that I had such faith that I believed that miracles could happen by putting in effort. I shared my experience a few weeks back of getting on the freeway behind the very slow car on the way home from the temple. We all get to choose, and I choose to not go 5 mph! I am so grateful for agency! That is the frustration with the YW presidency telling me I can't go fast. He doesn't understand and apologized for them. Anyway back ot the blessing, he complimented my faith and action and praised that effort and promised that my efforts are known in the heavens. I am so grateful. I am grateful to have great faith - I want to serve, and I want my heart to be pure. I want to serve for the right reasons, and not be told that I am serving for the attention of others - he dismissed that and said that was dead wrong. He said you keep doing the right things! Don't let them tell me I can't. Don't let them convince me to not do those things that I know that I should.
Back to the blessing, he told me to forget the pain of my earthly family. He told me to note the source of where that was coming, and to not accept it! He said that Heavenly Father knows my desires, and that He is sending me hugs that should be coming from my earthly father, but aren't. He instructed that I was getting hugs right then from my Heavenly Father himself. I am so grateful - tears. I am so blessed!
He blessed me to remember the words of this blessing so I would not forget.
Like this tiny fragil humming bird we found our on our porch, we all need tender loving care! Sophia sat outside the morning before we left to Solitude for most of the morning worried about her little friend! She sang to him, and helped him with sugar water right up to the time to leave. Before we left, he was doing much better, and we believe he was getting strong enough to be ok! Cute Brogan is here often, and was part of the team cheering on this little fragile bird! We are so blessed with tender mercies all around us!
My cute team is feeding horses for Del Ray down at the ranch morning and night everyday! Usually two go together to feed. What started out as being just a job that Brinley noticed that he could never leave town, so she offered to help him feed - back then I think there might have been 12 horses with two of our own, and mushroomed into some 60 regular horses (5 of our own) and then she helps him check in visitors often! In this photo they are all on their way down to the horses. They drive a 4-wheeler down with this trailer, and then load the hay they need to feed. We are so blessed! I love this team!!!