I don't know why I am so sad today. I need to write to figure it out.
I have just come off a beautiful week with our family at Lake Powell. I should be so happy and grateful.
Part of me hurts because of the Paulsen problems still!!!! Then I had a rough day at church yesterday, and I have just been a mess since! I need some space and time to figure out what is wrong. I am so grateful for the priesthood blessing I was given yesterday - right when I desperately needed it! I need to record what I can!
I was to meet Brother Dodart after church to be set apart for my new stake opportunity to serve on trek staff. He asked me to meet him at 4:15 which is nearly impossible after our block of meetings. I knew I would be late, but told him I would get there as soon as I could. What a miracle of timing!
Relief Society was hard. The lesson was on ministering, and I currently have a sister who is falling away from the church, when she has never really been on the church. Her Mother passed away at Christmas, and since that time, I have tried to really help her. I was concerned going into church yesterday because it is the second week this month that she has chosen to take her motorhome and go camping instead of coming to church. The move out time is 2:00 and she would not want to waste one hour of her paid time, so she doesn't leave the campground until 2, bringing her home by 3 but missing church.
I was also worried about Samuel attending church yesterday too. He has a friend who wanted his help to move some horses, borrowing our trailer so he could. Brad had sent him a text telling him to figure out how to attend church and then a way would be provided for the job to be done. It was this double concern that led me to the relief society lesson disaster.
I have been crying since.
I disaster was the lesson was on ministering, and near the end, I felt I should raise my hand and ask what to do about a sister who doesn't want to talk about the gospel anymore. I don't know why I feel so attacked by the answers that came. Before I could even move the mic down, the woman sitting next to me wanted to answer the question. She grabbed the mic and said she had the answer - she went to on say we have to love. Of course, we love, but what about the spiritual side of things. I felt unlistened to and chastised. Then Annie Harr (who is living with us until they leave for law school) pipped up and agreed with the other woman (who is a member of the RS Presidency and I thought my friend). So then attacked by two people I thought I had a friend in, I listened out the rest of the lesson. At the end, I visited quickly with the woman next to me who is also assigned on the Elder's Teaching route to this same sister. She shared the same concern but admitted that she has not been doing her best there lately, and didn't know what to do. I then cleaned up the mics which I help with every week, and then I walked by the teacher (who is new in the ward an I hardly know), who gave me a look I took as a look of disgust and she said "I know." Instead of listening, she just acted like I was stupid for not already knowing the answer to that question. ugh. I don't know why I am crying, but tears are flowing.
That morning, the church had sent an email with a new article from Sister Bingham titled something about "where did my home and visiting teachers go?" I quote from that article: "The ultimate goal of our ministering is to help others become more deeply converted to the Savior Jesus Christ and grow toward their divine potential." In the disaster, I heard them say we don't have to care about the spiritual well-being of the person, we just need to be their friend. I certainly didn't feel that anyone cared about my wellbeing. I shouldn't be so selfish, I am writing, in private, hoping to work this out in my own mind so I don't have to share it with anyone else. At the very end of the lesson, a note was passed to the Presidency, that Sister JoAnn Madsen had just passed away. The end of the recording ended before the end of the lesson, but I am sure they thought I was being emotional about Sister Madsen. No, I believe it is a blessing that she has returned to our Heavenly Father! Brother Madsen has carred for her for years, and come to church alone because she couldn't come with him. I am certain there is a celebration happening as she graduates to the next sphere of existence. I shouldn't be stuck on the lack of sensitivity others had to my questions. I should move on!!
Oh the miracle of that blessing. I walked through the parking lot, crying. Jed was just ahead of me, and saw my tears. He put his arm around me. I am sure he thought I was sad about Sister Madsen. I rode home in the car with Brinley driving, dropped the kids at the front step, and left in tears to the stake center to meet brother Dodart.
Wiping the tears from my face, I whispered a prayer for help to my Heavenly Father, and then walked into find him. I visited briefly with another brother from the stake in the hallway before finding brother Dodart. We visited for a few minutes. Brad was conducting temple recommend interviews. As I walked to the meeting place, I checked to see if there were many in line or if he was going to sneak away to come join me. There was a line clear to the hallway. I didn't even stop, just went to find Brother Dodart.
Brother Dodart has not been on the high council long. He is a long time family friend, his wife Jackie served with me on the BSA Eagle Board for years, and we have put on several merit badge camps for the stake. She is a great lady, and I love to visit with her!
Brother Dodart asked my whole name, and then with a bit of nervousness, he laid his hands on my head.
He hesitated a moment, I appreciated the silence to whisper another prayer for comfort and help. He began, calling me by name, and then went on to talk about his gratitude to me and our family for their support of his family. He said he had never known how to express the deep gratitude for the time I had spent with his wife and the strength and support I had given their entire family as I served with his wife. Tears of gratitude streamed as I felt my prayer answered in his very expression of gratitude which confirmed that I had indeed ministered to someone and wasn't totally off base and I had been pushed to feel in the prior meeting. Then he talked about my service in the preexistence. He said I had stood valiantly to defend and convince others to follow the Savior's plan. He expressed gratitude for my support of my husband as he serves. He encouraged me to continue to be bold in my support by being the mom I needed to influence, cajol, encourage, nudge, prod, and love those around me to do what is right. I know that this was exactly what I needed to hear in answer to my prayer. He continued to express appreciation for my energy and commitment to serve and encouraged me to use my creative energies to find ways to serve in this new position as we plan to help the youth of the stake on trek. He expressed his confidence in the ways he had personally seen me serve in the past, and encouraged those creative energies to be used in this new direction. He promised me that my children who are not of trek age will be protected and cared for as I take the time to serve away from them.
I was totally crying. trying to do it quietly, but not doing so good at that. I had taken a single kleenix in with me, but found on my way in it had somebody's candy spit out in it in the middle! I mopped up my face, and told him thank you!!!! I extended my arm to shake, and he pulled me into express the love and appreciation for being allowed to be a part of that blessing. Sobbing, I told him i was the one grateful for the priesthod blessing he had just pronounced upon my head!!! Pulling it together, I mopped my face up, and determined to get out of the building as quickly as possile so no one would see me sobbing. I turned, and had to dodge a few people to get out of the building without talking to too many people.
On my way out of the driveway, a young lady who I got to work with a few years back on Stake Camp was pulling in. She has recently been through the temple, and loved learning there! She was coming to mission prep. I pulled over, and sent her a text of admiration and appreciation to her. i am so grateful for the powerful witness of kindness from heaven extended to me!
This morning (Monday) I have spent too long today reviewing in my mind the hurt I felt. I need to remember the promises made in the blessing instead! I woke up and should have gone for a run, but it was still dark outside, and instead, I climbed back in next to Brad. I just needed to feel someone cared and would listen. tears. I need to pull myself together for my kids!
I love my family!
I have just come off a beautiful week with our family at Lake Powell. I should be so happy and grateful.
Part of me hurts because of the Paulsen problems still!!!! Then I had a rough day at church yesterday, and I have just been a mess since! I need some space and time to figure out what is wrong. I am so grateful for the priesthood blessing I was given yesterday - right when I desperately needed it! I need to record what I can!
I was to meet Brother Dodart after church to be set apart for my new stake opportunity to serve on trek staff. He asked me to meet him at 4:15 which is nearly impossible after our block of meetings. I knew I would be late, but told him I would get there as soon as I could. What a miracle of timing!
Relief Society was hard. The lesson was on ministering, and I currently have a sister who is falling away from the church, when she has never really been on the church. Her Mother passed away at Christmas, and since that time, I have tried to really help her. I was concerned going into church yesterday because it is the second week this month that she has chosen to take her motorhome and go camping instead of coming to church. The move out time is 2:00 and she would not want to waste one hour of her paid time, so she doesn't leave the campground until 2, bringing her home by 3 but missing church.
I was also worried about Samuel attending church yesterday too. He has a friend who wanted his help to move some horses, borrowing our trailer so he could. Brad had sent him a text telling him to figure out how to attend church and then a way would be provided for the job to be done. It was this double concern that led me to the relief society lesson disaster.
I have been crying since.
I disaster was the lesson was on ministering, and near the end, I felt I should raise my hand and ask what to do about a sister who doesn't want to talk about the gospel anymore. I don't know why I feel so attacked by the answers that came. Before I could even move the mic down, the woman sitting next to me wanted to answer the question. She grabbed the mic and said she had the answer - she went to on say we have to love. Of course, we love, but what about the spiritual side of things. I felt unlistened to and chastised. Then Annie Harr (who is living with us until they leave for law school) pipped up and agreed with the other woman (who is a member of the RS Presidency and I thought my friend). So then attacked by two people I thought I had a friend in, I listened out the rest of the lesson. At the end, I visited quickly with the woman next to me who is also assigned on the Elder's Teaching route to this same sister. She shared the same concern but admitted that she has not been doing her best there lately, and didn't know what to do. I then cleaned up the mics which I help with every week, and then I walked by the teacher (who is new in the ward an I hardly know), who gave me a look I took as a look of disgust and she said "I know." Instead of listening, she just acted like I was stupid for not already knowing the answer to that question. ugh. I don't know why I am crying, but tears are flowing.
That morning, the church had sent an email with a new article from Sister Bingham titled something about "where did my home and visiting teachers go?" I quote from that article: "The ultimate goal of our ministering is to help others become more deeply converted to the Savior Jesus Christ and grow toward their divine potential." In the disaster, I heard them say we don't have to care about the spiritual well-being of the person, we just need to be their friend. I certainly didn't feel that anyone cared about my wellbeing. I shouldn't be so selfish, I am writing, in private, hoping to work this out in my own mind so I don't have to share it with anyone else. At the very end of the lesson, a note was passed to the Presidency, that Sister JoAnn Madsen had just passed away. The end of the recording ended before the end of the lesson, but I am sure they thought I was being emotional about Sister Madsen. No, I believe it is a blessing that she has returned to our Heavenly Father! Brother Madsen has carred for her for years, and come to church alone because she couldn't come with him. I am certain there is a celebration happening as she graduates to the next sphere of existence. I shouldn't be stuck on the lack of sensitivity others had to my questions. I should move on!!
Oh the miracle of that blessing. I walked through the parking lot, crying. Jed was just ahead of me, and saw my tears. He put his arm around me. I am sure he thought I was sad about Sister Madsen. I rode home in the car with Brinley driving, dropped the kids at the front step, and left in tears to the stake center to meet brother Dodart.
Wiping the tears from my face, I whispered a prayer for help to my Heavenly Father, and then walked into find him. I visited briefly with another brother from the stake in the hallway before finding brother Dodart. We visited for a few minutes. Brad was conducting temple recommend interviews. As I walked to the meeting place, I checked to see if there were many in line or if he was going to sneak away to come join me. There was a line clear to the hallway. I didn't even stop, just went to find Brother Dodart.
Brother Dodart has not been on the high council long. He is a long time family friend, his wife Jackie served with me on the BSA Eagle Board for years, and we have put on several merit badge camps for the stake. She is a great lady, and I love to visit with her!
Brother Dodart asked my whole name, and then with a bit of nervousness, he laid his hands on my head.
He hesitated a moment, I appreciated the silence to whisper another prayer for comfort and help. He began, calling me by name, and then went on to talk about his gratitude to me and our family for their support of his family. He said he had never known how to express the deep gratitude for the time I had spent with his wife and the strength and support I had given their entire family as I served with his wife. Tears of gratitude streamed as I felt my prayer answered in his very expression of gratitude which confirmed that I had indeed ministered to someone and wasn't totally off base and I had been pushed to feel in the prior meeting. Then he talked about my service in the preexistence. He said I had stood valiantly to defend and convince others to follow the Savior's plan. He expressed gratitude for my support of my husband as he serves. He encouraged me to continue to be bold in my support by being the mom I needed to influence, cajol, encourage, nudge, prod, and love those around me to do what is right. I know that this was exactly what I needed to hear in answer to my prayer. He continued to express appreciation for my energy and commitment to serve and encouraged me to use my creative energies to find ways to serve in this new position as we plan to help the youth of the stake on trek. He expressed his confidence in the ways he had personally seen me serve in the past, and encouraged those creative energies to be used in this new direction. He promised me that my children who are not of trek age will be protected and cared for as I take the time to serve away from them.
I was totally crying. trying to do it quietly, but not doing so good at that. I had taken a single kleenix in with me, but found on my way in it had somebody's candy spit out in it in the middle! I mopped up my face, and told him thank you!!!! I extended my arm to shake, and he pulled me into express the love and appreciation for being allowed to be a part of that blessing. Sobbing, I told him i was the one grateful for the priesthod blessing he had just pronounced upon my head!!! Pulling it together, I mopped my face up, and determined to get out of the building as quickly as possile so no one would see me sobbing. I turned, and had to dodge a few people to get out of the building without talking to too many people.
On my way out of the driveway, a young lady who I got to work with a few years back on Stake Camp was pulling in. She has recently been through the temple, and loved learning there! She was coming to mission prep. I pulled over, and sent her a text of admiration and appreciation to her. i am so grateful for the powerful witness of kindness from heaven extended to me!
This morning (Monday) I have spent too long today reviewing in my mind the hurt I felt. I need to remember the promises made in the blessing instead! I woke up and should have gone for a run, but it was still dark outside, and instead, I climbed back in next to Brad. I just needed to feel someone cared and would listen. tears. I need to pull myself together for my kids!
I love my family!