Jakob won, his coach is not great - he is mean and yelled at the boys again this week. He almost got kicked out of the gym last week, this week it was directed at the kids instead of the refs so they didn't pull a card on him, but I didn't appreciate his attitude either. It is all about winning and not about learning, teaching or building the boys. ugh. I digress. I took a plate of cookies to give to his family with a thank you note for coaching, but we didn't give it to them. They became breakfast because I didn't appreciate how he treated the team.
Sara didn't win her game this morning. She played two tennis games yesterday - won one and lost one. She is a good player. Some girls get so grumpy and wound up about tennis. Brinley says when does this game get fun? I am not sure it does. You have to be silent watching, and don't get to even clapping is considered rude. So we just sit there, and watch the girls beat up on themselves, frustrated that they aren't playing better. Sara doesn't do that, but she doesn't seem happy either. I find myself constantly trying to get her to smile.Then Brinley had two Lacrosse games in Hurricane. They were just scrimmages so they didn't have a score, but we think she won both of them. She is a fast runner, and takes the face off often this year.
Then we were back to bloomington country club for another tennis match at 3:30. Wew! They were running a bit late, so we got there just as she was starting. She had come back early with Budd and Jolene, so she wasn't late, but we were grateful to make it. It turned out that she didn't get to play all of that game because the girl had another doubles match she was supposed to be at and because of the late start, they didn't get done before it was time to leave for that.In the middle of there, at the Lax game, kathryn called. She comes again blaming me for the problems, expecting me to know the answer of how to fix it. She said she doesn't want me to answer now, but that she has been prompted lately that I know the answer so she wants to know what we have to do to fix our relationship. She denies any of the mean things. Saying she doesn't remember, or that I need to forgive and move past that. She claims she wants to "start over." At what, being an infant where she controls me? Not happening. I asked why she was calling, and she claims it is not because Chandler talked to her, but just because "she follows through on her promptings, and she was prompted to call today, so she was." Great - once every five and a half years she thinks is plenty to reach out and say hi? I tried to be nice, and she blamed me for the mess, and said that I needed to forgive and let her know how to fix this.
Anyway, Brad and I have talked about it. I don't want to dwell on the negative. I am not going to accept her blame, or guilt trip. I was given a blessing and the evil cast out of our home. I am not going to let her bring evil bad feelings back into my home. I get to choose. and I don't choose that!
So I write tonight to move past! I need to not be hung up on her negativity! She claims she didn't say any of the mean things, and even if she did that I should forgive them. Ok. But I also don't have to just go back and plan the events for her to show up to. She said if I wanted to be a part, it meant I had to accept all of "her" family. She claims she never drew a line and said people couldn't talk to me. Whatever. I know that is not true. Anyway. I am not going to be stuck in this rut!
This week we are studying the Sermon on the Mount. Blessed are the meek. I want to be taught from on high and to be sensitive to others feelings and needs. I want to communicate with my kids. She was really mad about me hearing about Dad's surgery through Paula. Whatever. She is mad but thinks it is not even the same that she heard about Jed's baby through Whitney on facebook. She thinks that is fine. But it is not ok for me to "come in and try to fix things" when I hear from Paula that dad was having surgery. Once again, as always, she wants things all on her terms. Onward!
So tonight I write, but tomorrow I don't want to remember even! I want to forgive and forget, all the details, remembering only that I don't have to be manipulated by her twisted reality. I don't have to allow her to come in and rule my family! I get to the choose for myself, and I don't have to go where it is not safe. Yes, she brought me into the world. She thinks I should be so grateful to her for the gift of my life itself. Sure. I am. I don't have to submit to her meanness any more.
Onward!
I love my Savior. I know He will help me. I am grateful to know eternity is not really about mean people! Blessed are the Meek. Blessed are those who are reviled and persecuted for righteousness sake. Blessed are the poor in spirit (poor in pride.) I want to be blessed by my Heavenly Father who is kind! I know He hears my every prayer, and will never give me the silent treatment! Nor for a day or a week, let alone 5 years!
I try to say what would a relationship with them look like. I can't imagine because I am so done being ruled by them! I am so done planning all the family activities for them! I am not willing to go back to being beat up by them any more.Outside my window another day, it can be bright or it can be grey. It can be filled with joy and fun. The blessing of choice is given to me, to color this new day as I see!
I want to see the beautiful blue sky and sunshine my Heavenly Parents send for me to see everyday!
Laus Deo!