So, at my house, Wednesday is more than just "I know today is is Wednesday, and this is how I know, it's always on a Wednesday that the wind begins to blow!" - Winnie the Pooh. I know Wednesday because I get to visit the Holy house of my Savior!
I love to sit in the Chapel, listening on nearly every Wednesday morning to Sister Liesl McBride play the organ. So often, she will play a song that is just exactly an answer to my prayer! She is so beautiful! She is the cutest little Grandma who gives her time so willingly and beautifully to bless others! I love to open the scriptures as I sit there, and to just open the book - whatever it is (Bible or Book of Mormon) asking in my silent prayer (and in the prayer I have learned to knell for just before I come out of the dressing room, that I will be guided to messages and direction for me. Oh, the beautiful blessing those passages are to me each week!
This week, the passage that I turned to was Mosiah 3. The page just opened to it. The whole chapter is just for me this week! Oh I am so grateful for the blessings of my Savior!
Mosiah 3:
1 And again my brethren, I would call your attention, for I have somewhat more to speak unto you; for behold, I have things to tell you concerning that which is to come.
2 And the things which I shall tell you are made known unto me by an aangel from God. And he said unto me: bAwake; and I awoke, and behold he stood before me.
3 And he said unto me: Awake, and hear the words which I shall tell thee; for behold, I am come to declare unto you the aglad tidings of great bjoy.
4 For the Lord hath heard thy prayers, and hath judged of thy arighteousness, and hath sent me to declare unto thee that thou mayest rejoice; and that thou mayest declare unto thy people, that they may also be filled with joy.
5 For behold, the time cometh, and is not far distant, that with power, the aLord bOmnipotent who creigneth, who was, and is from all deternity to all eternity, shall come down from heaven among the children of men, and shall dwell in a etabernacle of clay, and shall go forth amongst men, working mighty fmiracles, such as healing the sick, raising the dead, causing the lame to walk, the gblind to receive their sight, and the deaf to hear, and curing all manner of diseases. (oh I can't wait!)
6 And he shall cast out adevils, or the bevil spirits which dwell in the hearts of the children of men. (I have needed this often lately in my home with recent choices of a teen daughter. Oh what a perfect blessing for me today!)
7 And lo, he shall asuffer btemptations, and pain of body, chunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can dsuffer, except it be unto death; for behold, eblood cometh from every pore, so great shall be his fanguish for the wickedness and the abominations of his people.
8 And he shall be called aJesus bChrist, the cSon of God, the dFather of heaven and earth, the eCreator of all things from the beginning; and his fmother shall be called Mary.
9 And lo, he cometh unto his own, that asalvation might come unto the children of men even through bfaith on his name; and even after all this they shall consider him a man, and say that he hath a cdevil, and shall dscourge him, and shall ecrucifyhim.
10 And he shall arise the bthird day from the dead; and behold, he standeth to cjudge the world; and behold, all these things are done that a righteous judgment might come upon the children of men.
11 For behold, and also his ablood batoneth for the sins of those who have cfallen by the transgression of Adam, who have died not knowing the dwill of God concerning them, or who have eignorantly sinned.
12 But wo, wo unto him who knoweth that he arebellethagainst God! For salvation cometh to none such except it be through repentance and faith on the bLord Jesus Christ.
13 And the Lord God hath sent his holy aprophets among all the children of men, to declare these things to every kindred, nation, and tongue, that thereby whosoever should believe that Christ should come, the same might receive bremission of their sins, and rejoice with exceedingly great joy, even casthough he had already come among them.
14 Yet the Lord God saw that his people were a astiffneckedpeople, and he appointed unto them a blaw, even the claw of Moses.
15 And many signs, and wonders, and atypes, and shadows showed he unto them, concerning his coming; and also holy prophets spake unto them concerning his coming; and yet they bhardened their hearts, and understood not that the claw of Moses availeth nothing dexcept it were through the eatonementof his blood. (My callings right now are Gospel Doctrine discussion leader, and Activity day leader - my lesson just two weeks ago was on the second coming. This part is a special witness for me!!!)
16 And even if it were possible that little achildren could sin they could not be saved; but I say unto you they are bblessed; for behold, as in Adam, or by nature, they fall, even so the blood of Christ catoneth for their sins.
17 And moreover, I say unto you, that there shall be ano other name given nor any other way nor means whereby bsalvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the cLord Omnipotent.
18 For behold he judgeth, and his judgment is just; and the infant perisheth not that dieth in his infancy; but men drink adamnation to their own souls except they humble themselves and bbecome as little children, and believe that csalvation was, and is, and is to come, in and through the datoning blood of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent. (The material from the new Come Follow Me curriculum which I will be leading the discussion on 7/7 in Sunday School is the Crucifiction, the Atonement, the Resurrection and the testimony of Peter after Christ is gone. We are studying the Crucifiction this week, it was brutal! Washing of the feet was last week - what a blessing to be washed and annointed! Oh my heart is full!)
19 For the anatural bman is an cenemy to God, and has been from the dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he eyields to the enticings of the fHoly Spirit, and gputteth off the hnatural man and becometh a isaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a jchild, ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
20 And moreover, I say unto you, that the time shall come when the aknowledge of a bSavior shall spread throughout cevery nation, kindred, tongue, and people. (through darling Elder Harr's - Samuel right now in Panama! Oh I love him!!!)
21 And behold, when that time cometh, none shall be found ablameless before God, except it be little children, only through repentance and faith on the name of the Lord God Omnipotent.
22 And even at this time, when thou shalt have taught thy people the things which the Lord thy God hath commanded thee, even then are they found no more blameless in the sight of God, only according to the words which I have spoken unto thee.
23 And now I have spoken the words which the Lord God hath commanded me.
24 And thus saith the Lord: They shall stand as a bright testimony against this people, at the judgment day; whereof they shall be judged, every man according to his aworks, whether they be good, or whether they be evil.
25 And if they be evil they are consigned to an awful aview of their own guilt and abominations, which doth cause them to shrink from the presence of the Lord into a state of bmiseryand cendless torment, from whence they can no more return; therefore they have drunk damnation to their own souls.
26 Therefore, they have drunk out of the acup of the wrath of God, which justice could no more deny unto them than it could deny that bAdam should fall because of his partaking of the forbidden cfruit; therefore, dmercy could have claim on them no more forever.
27 And their atorment is as a blake of fire and brimstone, whose flames are unquenchable, and whose smoke ascendeth up cforever and ever. Thus hath the Lord commanded me. Amen.
Oh I am so grateful for beautiful messages for me! That was my miracle message from Heaven! Laus Deo!
I came out of the temple, Brad was gone with Jakob riding mountain bikes. We have been struggling in our relationship for several months. Everytime we turn around we are being thrown darts from the adversary coming from inside our home! Yes inside! It doesn't even matter what the argument is this week, we are separated again, and hardly talking. He feels we should always accept and just show love. I have been to a counselor. I was told I must choose family over anything. If I choose to put the standards of the church over the family, then I am not choosing family, and then we might loose our family. We have been together with that daughter.Over and over I feel like he sides with her, and I stand alone, begging for some teaching so guidance of change. Oh it is hard and not fun. He is sleeping on the back porch tonight, I have been sleeping other places - with cute (7 yr old) Stephen instead of going to our room to have yet another disagreement about something like her phone, or her actions of that day. Over and over our every discussion includes her. We haven't had a date in months that didn't focus on her. I threatened to move out in December because I was tired of him standing up for her. That was before I found the terrible scene in her bedroom with an I-touch. Now those discussions have only intensified and grown worse.
I need to focus on the positive. I need to see the miracles and the blessings from heaven! There are so many!
So as I came from the beautiful temple yesterday, knowing that Brad and Jakob were peddling, I decided to come home and wake Sophia (8) and Stephen (7). We have been biking our own trails as Brad goes with Jakob. Jakob is on the Dixie Mt. Bike team as a 7th grader. I have loved the rides my team has gone on together! We set a goal the week after school was out to do the Green Valley Loop 3 times that week. We did it 6 times that week! They are fast at getting clear to the top gate so we can gather on prayer point and thank our Father in Heaven for the beauties we enjoy! Oh what joy!
Aren't these turtle watchers the cutest? Yes!!!
This next photo was a couple weeks ago while Brad was gone with the girls to Trek, so Liesl came down and joined us on our bike ride! I thought I was going to get to go, but in the end, they didn't need me there, and in fact said they felt they had too many hands in the kitchen, so I stayed home and just went up for Friday night and Saturday for the Covenant Path discussion lead by members of the Stake Presidency. Brad did a great job talking about the Initiatory and Endowment Covenants. I was grateful for the recent talk by Sister Jean Bingham on the temple. She said: "Let’s start with some simple definitions. To endow is “to enrich or furnish with any ‘gift,’ quality, or power of mind or body.”1 Today, the word “endowment” is often used to refer to a financial gift to an organization that is large enough that the interest alone can be used in perpetuity to fund an effort the organization values. The interest from the endowment will pay all the associated costs and still not touch the original gift. When we are endowed with priesthood power, it is an infinite source that constantly renews and can never be exhausted. Each woman must qualify to receive the gift and can then continue to draw on that power as she faithfully keeps the covenants she has made. So, more simply, to be endowed means being given the gift of a quality or an attribute—and in this case, the gift of priesthood power—that enables you to become more than you were before the gift was given.
She continues:
"Sheri Dew, former counselor in the Relief Society general presidency, asked, “What does it mean to have access to priesthood power? It means that we can receive revelation, be blessed and aided by the ministering of angels, learn to part the veil that separates us from our Heavenly Father, be strengthened to resist temptation, be protected, and be enlightened, and made smarter than we are—all without any mortal intermediary.”7 What strikes me is that these blessings are almost all out of proportion to the small acts required of us to receive them. Our Father in Heaven is liberal and generous with His power and anxious to share it with those who are willing to do His work in His ways."
(See "Endowed with Priesthood Power" transcript from 2019 BYU Women's Conference)
We loved our bike ride. I had lots of jobs to do today. I got quite a bit done. Always lots to do. I love to see the positive and move forward! Praying for answers and direction on what to say, what to do, how to respond with kindness and yet stand up for what is right. Praying for direction!
Laus Deo. Life is not easy - it never was supposed to be. I want to learn what I am supposed to learn. My marriage is not good right now. Are we to separate? He thinks I should have asked to be put on anti-depressants by Dr. Joy Welch this week. Of all things to say to me, I am just mortified. As I have tried to move forward, I don't even know what to..... My earthly mother wrote to me years ago as we were fighting and separating that I needed to get on drugs. Brad and I have talked about that often, and that at least if she cared, and she honestly believed that I needed help, that she should show love, and not just declare that. Now from Brad? I have researched online the needs, benefits, side effects of drugs. I don't really even know what kind of drug he thinks I was to get on. oh tears.
There is nothing good! We need positive interactions. We need to stand together in decisions about Brinley and her choices in our home. We need to stand together. He wants me to be numb and docile. To just choose family and not care to see. To me it feels like taking drugs is numbing the spirit to not feel or hear the realities of life, or the promptings of the Holy Spirit either. Now Brad is saying I needed to have hormone tests and see if there are drugs to help me. ugh.
We need to find answers together, or not. If he really wants me just numb to life - I will move out, and make my own choices and decisions that will be in my own sphere, not influencing his world so he has to get upset about it.
Oh, I want to be humble and submissive. I also don't want to be drugged to not care. I just don't feel that is right. I have had strong feelings of not being loved. I acknowledge that I can't do it alone. When I feel cornered and all alone - no parents, siblings, and this week not even a husband. I can only turn to my Savior. And so I write. I need to see clearly. I pray for the beautiful blessings of the initiatory to be mine. I hope to go back to the temple today and do initiatories. I need to hear those blessings and be washed and annointed. Several years back, I was crying in the initiatory and beautiful Sister Hafen cried with me and said, "Sometimes we just need to hear those promises often so we can fill our bucket back up!" Indeed I need to fill my bucket up!
When I was young, my mom would often go to the temple, and my dad would mock her for trying to be righteous. I cringe when I think of that. Now is that what Brad does when I go there? I don't really care, judge me that way. I need to feel the Spirit of the Holy Ghost.
The other scripture that opened yesterday was about Samuel the Nephite being kicked out of the city, and still returning to stand on the wall to testify. Oh, sometimes we have to take a stand. I just want to stand for the right!
Trying to carefully be humble and teachable. Feeling very alone.