Oh our family has been struggling for a while! I am about to embark on an outing that was conceived on a day when I was not happy. I felt not welcome in my own home. I felt like others were unwilling to address the real issues at hand, and so I was being pushed out. In that day, I had the idea that I should just leave. Either rent another house, so I could still be close to the littles, or just leave all together. I tried to think of someplace I could go that would be something new. That day I felt my life was purposeless, and just mundane. I knew I needed to stay past the day I was asked to teach the Sunday School class, but beyond that for several weeks, I am not needed here. So I decided I always wanted to see British Columbia, and so I started mapping out a plan to go there. I moved my plans back a week because I thought maybe others would join us along the way, but now that is not happening either.
Because this whole trip started as a get out of the way, go away, anywhere, just out of here idea, I have tried to say that we need to cancel it and not go at all. But after that day, I shared the idea with Brad and now he is like all over the idea that I should go. I think that he thinks that he is trying to show support to me, but... that is not what it feels like. ouch. tears. I have tried repeatedly to say I am not going to go. I have tried to change the plans. Now I just feel like some are celebrating just waiting for me to leave and it couldn't come soon enough, so I am trying to get all my things in order so I can get out of their way! ouch. oh tears.
I am hurting. Pushing me out is not healthy to my heart or our relationship.
Susy called and I told her I felt I should just get out of the way, really wanting her to say find a way to work it out. Instead she said "good for you, go!" Ok. The whole world is telling me to go, leave, be alone and get out of the way. So I am.
I think we are trying to leave tomorrow - Friday 7/12 after the littles get done with swimming. Jakob, Sophia and Stephen are coming. Sara wants to stay home so she can do tennis. Brad and I have had disagreements about paying for tickets for kids to come join us, and I am sick of doing all the work for everyone. So I quit working on tickets, and now no one is coming. I can see that Brad is stuck, except he could say that he wants me to stay home, and that we will plan fun things together. Instead, he is so gone all the time. Anyway, right now we are pretty much living in the same house, avoiding each other. He gets up and out with Jakob and goes biking. Stays out late with church. I just try to stay out of the way. Brinley has been totally gone most of this week. I went to the office one day, and she was there. She and Brad have talked. She called because she needed more money for school. Oh it is not good right now. I will just leave tomorrow and stay away for a long time.
Tears.
Because this whole trip started as a get out of the way, go away, anywhere, just out of here idea, I have tried to say that we need to cancel it and not go at all. But after that day, I shared the idea with Brad and now he is like all over the idea that I should go. I think that he thinks that he is trying to show support to me, but... that is not what it feels like. ouch. tears. I have tried repeatedly to say I am not going to go. I have tried to change the plans. Now I just feel like some are celebrating just waiting for me to leave and it couldn't come soon enough, so I am trying to get all my things in order so I can get out of their way! ouch. oh tears.
I am hurting. Pushing me out is not healthy to my heart or our relationship.
Susy called and I told her I felt I should just get out of the way, really wanting her to say find a way to work it out. Instead she said "good for you, go!" Ok. The whole world is telling me to go, leave, be alone and get out of the way. So I am.
I think we are trying to leave tomorrow - Friday 7/12 after the littles get done with swimming. Jakob, Sophia and Stephen are coming. Sara wants to stay home so she can do tennis. Brad and I have had disagreements about paying for tickets for kids to come join us, and I am sick of doing all the work for everyone. So I quit working on tickets, and now no one is coming. I can see that Brad is stuck, except he could say that he wants me to stay home, and that we will plan fun things together. Instead, he is so gone all the time. Anyway, right now we are pretty much living in the same house, avoiding each other. He gets up and out with Jakob and goes biking. Stays out late with church. I just try to stay out of the way. Brinley has been totally gone most of this week. I went to the office one day, and she was there. She and Brad have talked. She called because she needed more money for school. Oh it is not good right now. I will just leave tomorrow and stay away for a long time.
Tears.